Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Broken Hearts

I have always asked my mom how someone is suppose to get over a broken heart.  How is someone suppose to be able to put the past behind them when they are done wrong and forgive them whole heartily?  How are they suppose to clear their head of the hurt they feel and move forward with them again?  

For years and years when I was married I always told my husband that if he had ever cheated on me, that I could no longer continue in the relationship.  My mind would always wonder and the thought of his wrong doings would be to much for me to move past and forget.  

Its funny how I was the one who always said that to him, yet I was the one who broke his heart into millions of pieces, yet he wanted so bad for me to just stay.  

I never fully understood the pain he had gone through until it happened to me.  July 10th was the day I found out the man I loved and thought I would be with forever was actually lying to me for months. The betrayal you feel when you find something out like this is almost unmanageable.  The pain takes over your whole body and you find yourself not being able to breathe or think.  Love is a powerful thing.  More powerful then any other emotion I have ever felt.  Love will leave you breathless and it will paralyze everything you have.  

I have so many questions.  I have so many scenarios running through my mind.  I have so many unanswered questions that in all reality have probably been answered but I need to hear the answer just one more time.  I keep asking myself, how could someone do this to someone they love, but I know the answer.  I want someone to answer that question and the response needs to make me feel better about myself, but I know it won't.  

Often in these times, we seem to reach out more to God.  Maybe because we are looking for anything that makes some sense or maybe because we just need someone to listen to our thoughts.  

I should talk to him more often.  Talk to him when I am happy and not just hurt and sad.  

I ask you this question.  How do I forgive, how to I trust again, I do I forgive myself for not seeing it sooner then I did or following my gut feelings?  How do I not blame myself?  Maybe I wasn't giving him what he needed or maybe I was not listening to how he was feeling?  Maybe I wasn't being a good girlfriend or partner?  Maybe I am stubborn and insensitive to him and his feelings and because of this it pushed him to do what he did?  

How do I not blame myself?

I know millions of people go through this on a daily basis.  Couples move past things like this and live happily for forever.  Some never can get through it and others stay in it because they don't want to leave.  

How do I become the few that make it?  That trust again, love again and can breathe again?

Or when do you say enough is enough?  When do you throw in the towel like I did in my marriage so soon?  

The only thing I know to do is leave this up to God.  The man upstairs.  Because he is truly the only one who knows what I can handle and what I cannot.  He knows my hurt and my happiness.  And I know that with him by my side I can do anything. 

Now I just need some wine, some shoulders to cry on and a whole lot of Jesus.     

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