That five letter word is one of the most powerful words I have ever experienced. What does guilt mean?
I searched the internet for a while on what exactly guilt means. I true, definition of its meaning. Guilt to me is a feeling. Its an overwhelming feeling that no one can understand unless they are you. Unless they have experienced the same exact situations in their life and the same times. The best example of a definition I could find is this.
Guilt: The fact or state of having done something wrong or committed a crime. Guilt is also the feeling of anxiety or unhappiness that you have done something immoral or wrong, such as causing harm to another person.
You see, guilt can consume you. It can take over like a virus spreading through your body. It can help control your actions, your words, your thoughts, your feelings and how you look at situations in the future. It can completely control you if you allow it to,
Its hard to understand the different feelings of guilt unless you have personally been through it and struggled with it. I think of the last year and a half and hold a lot of guilt inside me for things I have done and said. Not only hurtful things I have done and said but for the things that I consciously know I shouldn't allow and do it anyway.
I remember growing up and my childhood being pretty normal. My parents argued over the silly things and loved each-other a great deal day end and day out. I understood that arguing was normal in any relationship. I understood that marriage is not easy but its worth it. Its worth the struggle and heart ache. Its worth the time you need to put into it.
My children have seen things that I can never imagine seeing at that age. They have been put in situations and seen things that no young eyes should see. They have had to hold their mom and love on her, because she is lost herself. They have been my rock when I felt like I was in the sandy desert. Guilt is not being the parent for those three kids that deserve their mother. Guilt is not being able to go back and help them unsee and unhear things they should have never seen or heard.
Its wishing I could put the innocents back in them. Allowing them to feel like everyone has good in them and thinking the best of people until they give you a reason to not feel this way.
How in the hell did I get here? How did I get where I am now? How do I feel so much guilt and so much confusion for the life I am living? How do I continue to walk through this life feeling like this is not my life? Like this is not what God had in stored for me?
How do you get rid of the guilt? How do you move on from the hurt and thinking and wishing you could desperately change things in your past. When do I stop living in the past? The past is just that. Its the past. Its not the present.
These are all questions I think anyone with a tremendous amount of guilt asks themselves. Or maybe it is just me.
There is no book for these types of emotions. There is no rule book that tells a person how to handle these emotions and regrets. Prayers work some days. Other days tears work. Its literally a day by day emotion. Everyone finds something that works for them to get through these emotions. Its vitally important that you get through these emotions somehow some way.
If you dont the guilt eats at you, until it totally tears you down.
Sometimes a little prayer, some tears and a good glass of wine helps me get through the difficult times. Guilt is inside me. But I cannot let it consume me or decide who I am as a person. '
I have to stay strong and keep on going. If not for me.... for my kids.