The "D" word is scary in itself. I remember growing up it wasn't a word you said very often, if ever. It was a scary word. An un-known word. This word was not something that I knew anything about. I had friends who had gone through a divorce with their parents, but all I knew was they got two Christmas's out of the whole deal. I am going to be pretty real in this post. Only because I feel like a lot of people that are younger than me or that have not been through a divorce have a totally different outlook on divorce itself. Knowing the true, real emotions of a divorce is something life changing, depressing, unknown to many, and something that can affect your whole world in an instant.
Talking about my personal life is never something I have done, even with friends or family. I keep all of this pretty private and secret. I may talk about a lot of other things but my personal life is not something I blast out there for the whole world to see and hear.
A little over a year ago my divorce was final to the man I was married to for almost 9 years and even to this day sitting here trying to type this, emotions come up that I thought were long gone. On a daily basis I tell myself I will be fine. I will and have moved on. I will be strong once again soon. I will forgive myself for the things I have done or did. I will someday be able to look at my children again and know that I have their best interest at heart and someday I will be me. The me everyone seemed to like.
But for now, I go through the motions. For now I pretend like I am okay. For now I try and do everything I can for my kids in the best way I know how to, because at the end of the day being a mommy is my most important job.
Divorce changes you. It brings out the very very worst in someone. Some days it seems to define who I am or what I feel like I have become. Some days its hard to function still. Sometimes I think about all of the things I could have done to change the outcome. I even find myself wondering if this is really what God had in-store for me. Maybe I wasn't talking enough to God to see all of the warning signs. Maybe I should have prayed more, or given to the church more. Divorce changes you, it tests your faith, it makes you feel like you have failed at everything you built.
Still to this day I talk to God and ask him why? Is he testing my faith? Is he wanting something that I am not giving him? Why would he want anyone to go through a divorce? Why would he want innocent children to go through a divorce? Why couldn't he help us? Why couldn't he want us to work? Why on earth would God, who loves for all of his children want me to go through the pain I have gone through and seem to still be going through daily? This is not something that just fixes itself. Its living changing. You can pray every single day, but it seems to just drag you down like a terrible disease.
You see when people are in a marriage, its tough for them to see what needs to happen or maybe what they need to do to make their marriage better. Your living in that moment. Sometimes the other person does not listen to you or maybe they do not put your needs up there where they should be. But maybe you do not do those things for your spouse either. Its so easy for us all to point the finger at someone else rather than ourselves. Its so easy for us to not see how we are contributing negatively in a relationship because we are so overwhelmed with emotions and believe we are entitled.
If anyone thinks it gets easier after divorce.... untrue. My daily struggle is real. I live it every... single.... day! No matter how much you have forgiven yourself for the wrong doing you may have done. No matter how much you have healed from loosing your best friend but he is still very much living and breathing everyday. No matter how much you pray and apologize to yourself, kids and family, you still let someone down you loved so much to have children together and build a life together. You still feel guilty every single damn day for just simply giving up.
For myself, I find myself mad many days. Mad that I let my children down mostly. Mad that I did not try harder than I did. For me I ripped my children's happiness away from them because maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself. You see, being a good mom is doing what is best for your kids. Its seeing their needs over anything else. Its understanding that your job in this world is to give them everything you can. Give them all of the tools they can to succeed in this life to the best of their ability. Your job is to protect them and to be there for them when they hurt. Your job is to show them how you love their father and how he loves you. Its also for them to understand that life is not easy, but its not worth giving up on.
So why is divorce hard? Because i did everything in that above paragraph wrong. So why am I so mad? I am mad that I let myself down. I am mad that I let me kids down. I am mad that maybe I just did not pray enough. I am mad that I did not have enough faith in the one man I loved at one time. I am mad because this is not how I saw my life.
The question is now.....! How is someone who has been divorced, rebuild? How do they move on? How do they sort through their emotions and become a better person? How do they help their kids understand they are sorry for putting them through all of this? And how do you simply heal?
Today, I am trying. I am just trying to be better than I was yesterday. Today, I will do my best to just not be mad.