Sunday, December 10, 2017

My kids and I went to church this morning.  We don't go to church as much as we should.  The kids love being there and going.  Its never been an issue to get them up and to walk into church on Sunday mornings.  Our schedules are super busy with three kids playing sports, school, my work and anything in between.  I am sure most of you single mommies out there with kids can relate.  The days just do not have enough hours in them.

The message today was what is the meaning of Christmas.  What does Christmas mean to you.  To many of us it means gifts or maybe time with friends and family.  Maybe it is about Jesus to some as well.  I have always enjoyed Christmas.  I love to see the look in my children's eyes on Christmas morning and I love to have family and friends over to celebrate and be together.  Sometimes this time of the year is the only time I get to see some of my family members with our busy schedules.

He spoke and broke down the message today.  I can listen to this preacher preach about anything.  He can take three simple words and talk about it like it was nothing.  I started to reflect over the last year about all of the ups and downs my children and I have gone through.  The moves and the new jobs.  The income adjustments and just the day day to busy, non-stop going we do.  Sometimes I think about why my life didn't turn out differently or why it took another path then I always thought it should.  But then I look over at my thirteen year old boy and realize he is not so young.  He is looking more and more like a man on a daily basis and I am not ready for him to grow up.  I am grateful for my three kids.  They are my rock!

You see, I don't like the silence.  At least I didn't think I did.  For probably the last six or seven years I have been going non-stop,  From sun up to sun down.  I haven't really stopped and breathed and listened.  I haven't really looked around me and realized just how lucky I am.

One thing pastor Morris said today was that Jesus died on the cross because he wanted our sins to be forgiven.  The devil can no longer destroy who we are.  WE can destroy who we are.  We are our biggest critics.  We let our minds take control sometimes over what we know in our hearts is the right things to do, think or say.  We don't stop and take the time to enjoy every single bit of our lives, including the quiet times.

I use to always think that I wasn't happy unless I was going and doing something all the time.  As I have become a little older all I want is that quiet time to watch my kids play basketball outside or sit and lay their heads on my shoulder while watching a movie.  I love to see how they interact and play with their own friends and how so very smart and talented they are.

Many people have asked me if I "regret" things I have done in my life.  Regret is a strong word.  When most people think about regret they think that they shouldn't have done something.  Maybe they regret stealing that piece of candy out of the store.  But if you really look at what regret means you will see that it means one feels sad or disappointed over something they have done especially a loss or missed opportunity.

I dont regret the things I have done in my life. I may feel saddened or disappointed about some of them.  Thats how we learn and grow.  Thats how we understand what we want and need in this life.  Thats how we know we wake up every day and do the absolute best we can do.

I am proud of the women I am today because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

As we go through Christmas, slow down, take your time.  Watch your kids and love them.  Get up a little early and sit in the quiet outside in the morning and reflect.  Talk to God and learn to listen to him.  Its lonely when you forget how to hear God.  Don't loose that relationship with him.

And most of all, be proud of yourself.

There are no rule books on life.  Its tough. But hold your head high and remember that Jesus went through everything you may be going through today.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, September 11, 2017

2016 is in the Books

Wow, 2016 has flown by.  The years seem to get shorter and days seem to fly by.  Its been a busy year.  There has been a lot of hard times, but there has been a lot of positive as well.  I feel like the kids and I have come out of the hard times on top and are looking forward to the new year.

Here is a look back at my sweet sweet babies and how they have grown up way to fast.

There were a lot of accomplishments this year.  Three kiddos turned one year older. And of course, we spent many, many days and nights at the baseball and soccer fields. 

Troy graduated from elementary school.  He however still thinks his mommy is cool. 

We spent some of our summer nights at my favorite spot in the world.  Hoping this next year brings us even more time here with family and friends. 

And just like that.  I have a 6th grader (which is middle school), 3rd grader and a 2nd grader.  

And Troy at the age of 12, shot his first dear with his daddy.  I believe it was a nine point.  This is something he will remember for the rest of his life.  Him and his dad experienced this together and he could not be more proud of Troy.  

Even though this year has brought some major challenges, I am the most proud of these three above.  They are my drive, my life and my whole heart.  Without them my life would not be complete.  

Thursday, December 15, 2016


Some days just seem ti be better than others.  Some days, you may roll out of bed and get ready for work with now issues.  You throw your hair up and you are happy with the way it looks.  Get the kids up and get them ready for school.  Hope in the car with no real issues and no extreme fighting.  The kids get to school on time and you get to work a little earlier than normal.

Its funny how our days work.  Some days we feel like making it through the day is unbearable.  But then other days we seem at ease with everything.  We seem to understand just how thankful we are for the things and people in our lives.  The little things that seem to get under our skin on a day to day basis do not bother us today.

I feel content with my life.  I feel like I know where I am heading.  Today I feel like the mistakes I have made and the guilt I hold I am at peace with.  I am happy for those who I was jealous of.  I am understanding for others pain today.  I am optimistic that even though I feel like I have no idea what I am doing most days, today I feel like I am going to be okay.

Do I like the way everything in my life is right now?  Absolutely not.  But I pick my battles.  I choose to make today a great day despite the odds of my day being great tomorrow.  I know that the people who loves me, deep down love me, know who I am on the inside and it seems to comfort me today.

I am excited to hug and kiss my babies when I leave work.  I am a little less stressed as yesterday and I do a whole lot of praying on the way home.

You see, everyone has emotions.  They have emotions on themselves personally, emotions on friends and family, or situations.  But at the end of the day, you are the only one who can make yourself happy.  You are the only one who can understand and be content with who you are.  You are the only one who can change what you don't like about yourself.  You cannot change others.

Today is a good day.  I am thankful for today.  For I have no idea what tomorrow has in store.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Powerful Guilt


That five letter word is one of the most powerful words I have ever experienced.  What does guilt mean?

I searched the internet for a while on what exactly guilt means.  I true, definition of its meaning.  Guilt to me is a feeling.  Its an overwhelming feeling that no one can understand unless they are you.  Unless they have experienced the same exact situations in their life and the same times.  The best example of a definition I could find is this.

Guilt: The fact or state of having done something wrong or committed a crime.  Guilt is also the feeling of anxiety or unhappiness that you have done something immoral or wrong, such as causing harm to another person.

You see, guilt can consume you.  It can take over like a virus spreading through your body.  It can help control your actions, your words, your thoughts, your feelings and how you look at situations in the future.  It can completely control you if you allow it to,

Its hard to understand the different feelings of guilt unless you have personally been through it and struggled with it.  I think of the last year and a half and hold a lot of guilt inside me for things I have done and said.  Not only hurtful things I have done and said but for the things that I consciously know I shouldn't allow and do it anyway.

I remember growing up and my childhood being pretty normal.  My parents argued over the silly things and loved each-other a great deal day end and day out.  I understood that arguing was normal in any relationship.  I understood that marriage is not easy but its worth it.  Its worth the struggle and heart ache.  Its worth the time you need to put into it.

My children have seen things that I can never imagine seeing at that age.  They have been put in situations and seen things that no young eyes should see.  They have had to hold their mom and love on her, because she is lost herself.  They have been my rock when I felt like I was in the sandy desert.  Guilt is not being the parent for those three kids that deserve their mother.  Guilt is not being able to go back and help them unsee and unhear things they should have never seen or heard.

Its wishing I could put the innocents back in them.  Allowing them to feel like everyone has good in them and thinking the best of people until they give you a reason to not feel this way.

How in the hell did I get here?  How did I get where I am now?  How do I feel so much guilt and so much confusion for the life I am living?  How do I continue to walk through this life feeling like this is not my life?  Like this is not what God had in stored for me?

How do you get rid of the guilt?  How do you move on from the hurt and thinking and wishing you could desperately change things in your past. When do I stop living in the past?  The past is just that. Its the past.  Its not the present.      

These are all questions I think anyone with a tremendous amount of guilt asks themselves.  Or maybe it is just me.

There is no book for these types of emotions.  There is no rule book that tells a person how to handle these emotions and regrets.  Prayers work some days.  Other days tears work.  Its literally a day by day emotion.  Everyone finds something that works for them to get through these emotions.  Its vitally important that you get through these emotions somehow some way.

If you dont the guilt eats at you, until it totally tears you down.

Sometimes a little prayer, some tears and a good glass of wine helps me get through the difficult times.  Guilt is inside me.  But I cannot let it consume me or decide who I am as a person.  '

I have to stay strong and keep on going.  If not for me.... for my kids.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Luke 6:37

This time last year was a very very different time for me in my life. It's funny how the people you think have this perfect life around you are really experiencing some of the hardest times of their lives. Everyone on this planet experiences some type of trial or influential time in their lives. Everyone has the happiest of happy times and the lowest of low times. We are all so busy going through each day in our own ways no one really knows what happens behind closed doors. No one really knows how someone else is feeling inside.

I know for me over a year ago the same was true for me. Many of my friends and family thought I was fairly "normal" if that's even something true. But what they didn't know is I was dying inside and hurting and making everything in my life so much harder than it should have been or needed to be.

I am writing this not because I want everyone to know my "problems" but because I have been that person that has judged someone for the things they were doing that I didn't think they should have been doing. We are all quick to judge. We judge our family and our closest friends. We judge our neighbors and our employees but many times we don't stop and pause. We don't stop and think about what they could be going through when they leave work, or go inside their own home. We don't know the battles they face daily or the stress they are put through.

Luke 6:37 says this:
Judge not, and you will not be judged;
Condemn not, and you will not be condemned;
Forgive and you will be forgiven.

You see, everyone judges others. It's nature! We do it when we don't even realize we are doing it. But by judging someone else, it makes me no better then you. Or the person sitting next to me at a ball game. Have you ever been judged? Have you ever felt how it feels to be looked down on?

I can tell you that I have judged. I have judged people, family and friends for doing the exact same things I have done in my life that I was so quickly to judge on. I have never been very biblical. I believe in God and I pray every night or driving in my car on the way to work, but I don't plaster my beliefs for everyone else to see. It's never really been my nature.

But I lost most of everything I had over a year ago. The decisions I made at the time were part of why I lost most everything, but much of that was from judgement against me and the decisions I had made. People didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing. But at the same time, I really didn't understand why I was doing those things either.

James 4:11-12
11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[a] The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

There is only that should be judging and I am pretty sure last time I checked none of us on this earth are that person. Verse after verse talks about how judging someone else is wrong in the bible. So why do we choose to do it to the ones who are suppose to mean the most to us? I know I am guilty of it. I know the person I am and the beliefs I have are good, genuine beliefs. I was to do what is right in Gods eyes every day. Does this mean I will fail? Absolutely! 

I ask anyone who reads this to just do this. Next time your faced with a situation where you are judging someone else for the decisions they are making or the actions they are taking in their life that you don't agree with, remember you have done all of those same things to. Stop and think about just being a positive influence for that friend or family member. Pray for their guidance and wisdom to see what right and wrong. I guarantee that will mean more to them then any judging you may do. 

People need support when they are going through hard times. Supporting someone who you don't agree with is hard. It's testing. But leaving them and abandoning them is even harder. I lost almost all of my friends. Or maybe the people I thought were my friends. People judged me and are probably still judging me for the decisions I made a year ago. Just remember I am the one that has to own up to the decisions I made one day when I meet the great man upstairs. Not you! 

What have I learned through all of this? I will try not to judge others. I will try not to give up on those I care about when they are doing things I disagree with. Because I know they just simply need a few people in their corner to pull them out. And pray! Because, well that great big book of really difficult words is never ever incorrect! 

Friday, September 9, 2016

How To Rebuild after Divorce?

As I am trying to rebuild pretty much everything in my life I find myself have a hard time with a few things.  I am sure that many of you that have been through similar situations are struggling with something similar to myself.  Finding the correct answers are always a struggle to me.  Should I not be hard on my kids anymore because I went through a divorce?  Should I be harder on them so they do not make my same mistakes?  Why is it like a vacation at daddy's house but so strict at mommy's house or vise versa?  Why does my oldest child look at me sometimes like he hates me?  Am I hugging them enough and telling them I love them enough?  Do they understand I still love them as much as I did before the divorce?

I do not care who you are or what "type" of divorce you have been through, questions like this go through your head at some point in time.  For me, I lost everything.  I lost my husband, my home, my vehicles, my sense of stability.  But I also lost respect from my kids, friends and family.  Everything that was normal in my life was suddenly gone. Poof!

Its been over a year since the divorce and I still find myself distancing myself from friends that my ex husband and I had together.  Many of them I do not talk to anymore or very little.  I have found myself isolated and a lot of it was done by my own doing.  Many time I put up this big, brick wall and act like loosing my whole life doesn't matter to me.  "Its just a life." "I can always rebuild a new one with friends who love me no matter what."  The truth of the matter is, it hurts.  It hurts to see friends that I was so close with not interacting on my Facebook page with my posts, but liking my ex husbands posts.  It hurts to know I wont ever laugh with them again or talk with them about my kids or theirs.  Deep deep down its hard to know that the life I did love is gone, because I was selfish.

Its hard to know that you were once so important to others and now your nothing.  My kids grew up with their kids and they were best-est of friends.  My kids will ask me questions about why we do not see these people anymore.  They have even said "mommy does not talk to them anymore because she is mad at them." Or "We will never see them anymore because Mommy and Daddy got a divorce."

As a parent that will KILL you inside.  Its like a knife in my gut every time something like that is said.  You do not know how to respond to it.  You do not know how to make it better.  Sometimes I feel like I am trying my best and getting absolutely no where.

So how do you rebuild when you have lost everything?

I do not have the answers for that question.  I do however have what everyone tells me to do.

1. Rather you wanted the divorce or did not it still hurts.  Its still hard.  And you still lost someone you loved at some point in your life.  So Let Yourself Grieve.  The experts say it takes about half the time you were in the relationship to fully mourn the loss.  Let go bit by bit.

2. Keep A Journal. I am good about writing, but not always in the same place.  For this moment in my grieving process I would say this blog is the place for me.  That could always change and I am sure it will.  Writing out my emotions helps get them out.  If I did not write I would keep it all in till I exploded, seriously...... I would!

3.  Lean On Friends.  This one I struggle with because I am having to rebuild everything I once knew.  I can say that through my divorce I still have maybe 2 close friends.  That is a tough, tough pill to swallow.  I did not think very rational when I went through my divorce and this caused a lot of my friends to hit the road.  I try to think about this positively and say they were not really friends if they could not help me through my hard times and struggles.  But lets be real. Its still hard and hurts very badly.

4.  Seek Professional Support. Yea.... this is the toughest for me by far.  I do not like talking about my problems at all.  Period!  My ex husband begged me to go to a therapist and work through my emotions and feelings.  He wanted me to even if we did not work things out.  My parents begged me and even my current boyfriend has told me I still need to go.  I went for several weeks a few months ago and stopped because I thought I was good to go.  Recently I have decided to go back.  There are so many things you cannot work through yourself.  So please, listen and go! You cannot do this yourself.

5.  Reinvent Yourself.  Understanding your strengths and weaknesses is important.  I however, struggle with figuring out what those are because I feel so confused and lost sometimes.  I think subconsciously I know what they are, because they have been instilled in me since I was a kid.  But you loose a sense of self worth when going through a divorce.  Even if its for a moment.  I am still working on this one.  Its a work in progress.

6.  Make New Friends.  I have never been someone that has a hard time making new friends.  However, I feel myself holding onto the old friends because we were all so close.  This is not healthy and I know its not.  But its almost like you have to mourn the loss of these friends you have lost.  You have to make new friends that have the same interests as you.  For me I have 3 kiddos.  So I need friends that have kids and can do the same type of things as myself.  This is as well a work in progress for me.  But I am getting there.

7.  Start Dating Again.  I did start dating again which was a mistake so soon after I split with my husband.  Huge Mistake.  You have to have time to work through everything.  And lets be honest, I had not worked through everything and drug them through my shit (excuse my language) with me.  Its not fair to them or you.  Work on you! You cannot be the best person you can be in a relationship when you are torn down by the last.  Plus if you have kids, which I do, let them heal to.  This was a huge deal for them and I should have been much more focused on them and myself.  Just sayin!

8.  Get Smart With Your Finances. Yup.... for me this was a HUGE issue.  I had stayed at home with our 3 kiddos for the last nine years, so not only had I not had a job in nine years, I personally had not had to go out and make money for my family.  Huge shock! Huge!  During those years I had stayed at home with my kids I had gone back to school and received my bachelors degree so this did help me in looking for a job.  Once I got a job I struggled with it being just that.  A job.  What I wanted was a career.  I was 31 years of age and had no career.  I have to say I have worked very hard and I now would say I have a career that I am loving so far.  If you need help with budgeting, ask friends how they do it, or family.  There is someone out there who can show you how they make it work.  Stay on top of it.

9. Forgive Yourself Completely.  Your marriage did not work out for whatever reasons it may have been.  You made mistakes and so did he.  You cannot go back in time and change what is already done.  You have to forgive yourself of the hurt you have caused others.  You have to forgive yourself for the failure you feel inside.  I struggle more with this then anything in my life.  I do not forgive myself at this moment.  And it has been a true struggle inside to try and rap my brain around the things I have done.  Ask for forgiveness from who ever you feel like you need to.  Pray a lot.  Turn to God and understand that he forgives you too.

10.  Make a Bucket List.  I did not do this until I met my boyfriend I have now.  This is really cool and it gives you something to work towards and look forward to when there may be so much negativity in your life at the moment.  Try it out.  Here are some of my bucket list examples I have on mine.

  • Visit California
  • Squat 300 pounds (I went backwards on this)
  • Support myself
  • Buy a boat
  • Run in a Spartan Run
  • Visit Australia
  • Travel down Route 66
  • not live paycheck to paycheck
  • start college funds for kids
Some of these may look like goals, but these are some of the things on my bucket list.

Divorce Sucks! What I had pictured in my mind is no where close to how things are.  Nothing turned out the way I had hoped.  Even though things have not gone the way I had hoped for, I have to stay positive.  I have to keep going and I have to learn to forgive not only others but myself.  It does not happen over night or within a few months.  It takes a long time working through it and realizing you are a good person, you have a good heart and your values and beliefs are stronger than they ever have been.

Divorce sucks..... But you can get through this.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016



The "D" word is scary in itself.  I remember growing up it wasn't a word you said very often, if ever.  It was a scary word.  An un-known word.  This word was not something that I knew anything about.  I had friends who had gone through a divorce with their parents, but all I knew was they got two Christmas's out of the whole deal.  I am going to be pretty real in this post.  Only because I feel like a lot of people that are younger than me or that have not been through a divorce have a totally different outlook on divorce itself.  Knowing the true, real emotions of a divorce is something life changing, depressing, unknown to many, and something that can affect your whole world in an instant.

Talking about my personal life is never something I have done, even with friends or family.  I keep all of this pretty private and secret.  I may talk about a lot of other things but my personal life is not something I blast out there for the whole world to see and hear.

A little over a year ago my divorce was final to the man I was married to for almost 9 years and even to this day sitting here trying to type this, emotions come up that I thought were long gone.  On a daily basis I tell myself I will be fine.  I will and have moved on.  I will be strong once again soon.  I will forgive myself for the things I have done or did.  I will someday be able to look at my children again and know that I have their best interest at heart and someday I will be me.  The me everyone seemed to like.

But for now, I go through the motions.  For now I pretend like I am okay.  For now I try and do everything I can for my kids in the best way I know how to, because at the end of the day being a mommy is my most important job.

Divorce changes you.  It brings out the very very worst in someone.  Some days it seems to define who I am or what I feel like I have become.  Some days its hard to function still.  Sometimes I think about all of the things I could have done to change the outcome.  I even find myself wondering if this is really what God had in-store for me.  Maybe I wasn't talking enough to God to see all of the warning signs.  Maybe I should have prayed more, or given to the church more.  Divorce changes you, it tests your faith, it makes you feel like you have failed at everything you built.

Still to this day I talk to God and ask him why?  Is he testing my faith?  Is he wanting something that I am not giving him? Why would he want anyone to go through a divorce?  Why would he want innocent children to go through a divorce?  Why couldn't he help us?  Why couldn't he want us to work?  Why on earth would God, who loves for all of his children want me to go through the pain I have gone through and seem to still be going through daily?  This is not something that just fixes itself.  Its living changing.  You can pray every single day, but it seems to just drag you down like a terrible disease.  

You see when people are in a marriage, its tough for them to see what needs to happen or maybe what they need to do to make their marriage better.  Your living in that moment.  Sometimes the other person does not listen to you or maybe they do not put your needs up there where they should be.  But maybe you do not do those things for your spouse either.  Its so easy for us all to point the finger at someone else rather than ourselves.  Its so easy for us to not see how we are contributing negatively in a relationship because we are so overwhelmed with emotions and believe we are entitled.

If anyone thinks it gets easier after divorce.... untrue.  My daily struggle is real.  I live it every... single.... day!  No matter how much you have forgiven yourself for the wrong doing you may have done.  No matter how much you have healed from loosing your best friend but he is still very much living and breathing everyday.  No matter how much you pray and apologize to yourself, kids and family, you still let someone down you loved so much to have children together and build a life together.  You still feel guilty every single damn day for just simply giving up.

For myself, I find myself mad many days.  Mad that I let my children down mostly.  Mad that I did not try harder than I did.  For me I ripped my children's happiness away from them because maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself.  You see, being a good mom is doing what is best for your kids.  Its seeing their needs over anything else.  Its understanding that your job in this world is to give them everything you can.  Give them all of the tools they can to succeed in this life to the best of their ability.  Your job is to protect them and to be there for them when they hurt.  Your job is to show them how you love their father and how he loves you.  Its also for them to understand that life is not easy, but its not worth giving up on.

So why is divorce hard?  Because i did everything in that above paragraph wrong.  So why am I so mad?  I am mad that I let myself down.  I am mad that I let me kids down.  I am mad that maybe I just did not pray enough.  I am mad that I did not have enough faith in the one man I loved at one time.  I am mad because this is not how I saw my life.

The question is now.....!  How is someone who has been divorced, rebuild?  How do they move on?  How do they sort through their emotions and become a better person?  How do they help their kids understand they are sorry for putting them through all of this?  And how do you simply heal?

Today, I am trying.  I am just trying to be better than I was yesterday.  Today, I will do my best to just not be mad.